he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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