Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
