My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
