i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
