her vagine was all disorganized.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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