I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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