if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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