woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
