I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
