I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
