I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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