Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize