just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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