If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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