It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
