youre lurking in front of me
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
