you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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