he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
