New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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