Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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