I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
