i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
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