there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
not ubering you a puppy
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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