No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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