I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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