the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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