Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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