I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize