So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
