I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
