my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
