she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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