I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
