never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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