the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize