Where did you get a picture of my penis
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
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