just survived the first fart of the relationship.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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