Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
