Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
