She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
