I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
