some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
