5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
only you would photoshop your dick
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
