I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
