I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
