I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
