If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
