My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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