My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
