babies were throwing up all over the place
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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