Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
