My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
