so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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