my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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