note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So here I am, sexting at work.
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