WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
